The FBI published 25 pamphlets and distributed them to people who work in the general public to give them information on how to spot a terrorist based on a number of “suspicious behavior” indicators. People at construction sites, electronic stores, beauty salons, airports and other places were advised on what kind of behavior is consistent with domestic terrorism. Here are some of their recommendations:
- Beauty salons and drug stores are told to watch out for customers who don’t drive themselves but are dropped off and picked up by someone else. (If you’re elderly and need a ride, you might be a terrorist.)
- Gas station attendants are told to look out for customers who put gas in gas cans. (If you run out of gas, you might be a terrorist.)
- Construction sites are advised to consider glued locks as evidence of terrorism. (Definitely not a prank pulled by unruly teenagers.)
- Dive boat shops are told to look out for customers who rent a boat for an “extended amount of time.” (If you have too much fun on your rented boat, you might be a terrorist.)
- Electronics stores are advised to look out for those who purchase an assortment of electronic supplies. (If you frequent Radio Shack or Fry’s, you might be a terrorist.)
- Banks should be on the lookout for customers who deposit multiple checks or money orders. (If you have more than one stream of income, you might be a terrorist.)
- Hobby shops are told to keep an eye out for those who have an “unusual” interest in remote-controlled airplanes. (If you’re a hobbyist, you might be a terrorist.)
1. Beauty shops have been instructed to look out for people getting picked up outside, rather than driving themselves. Sorry Grandma.
2. Bulk fuel distributors, frequently known as gas stations, have been instructed to look out for people filling containers with gasoline or diesel fuel. Why do they still sell these tools of terrorism?
3. According to the FBI, if construction sites find glue in a lock, graffiti or vandalism of any kind should suspect teenagers second and terrorists first.
4. Renting a boat? Don’t do it for too long, or the FBI might have to step in.
5. Better not ask how to swap a SIM card, because that’s a sure sign of jihadist tendency.
6. Electronics shops have been asked to report those who buy assorted electronic components…at an electronics shop.
7. Better not be cashing lots of checks and money orders. Only terrorists have multiple income streams.
8. Overdressed for the weather? A sure sign of hiding bombs. Or being cold.
9. Don’t get caught drawing things in public. You’re probably planning to blow them up.
10. Demonstrating interest in remote control planes at a hobby shop has been identified by the experts at the FBI as a sign of terrorist intent. I wonder if anyone has ever expressed interest in RC planes at a hobby shop?
11. Don’t buy pipe at Home Depot. The FBI told home improvement stores to watch out for that. What possible use for pipe is there, other than bomb making?
12. The FBI says peaceful citizens don’t pay in cash. Practically everyone knows that cash is a sure sign of terrorism.
13. God help you if you’re missing a finger or a hand. Nearly every FBI list had this one, as if people generally chose to have their hands and fingers cut off.
14. Don’t change your appearance. Everyone knows terrorists get makeovers all the time.
15. And whatever you do, don’t get sweaty.